Letter to You
by Cadaverlee
Summary: Roxas and Axel were homeless and wandering the streets until one fateful day. These are the last letters between them. AU. AkuRoku/RokuReno/ARR
1. Letter to You

Dear Roxas,

Where do I start? … "_I'm sorry_" is probably where I should start... but I can't bring myself to that yet. I've had a lot of time to think about this. Writing this letter, mostly. To write or not to write? I sound stupid, I know. But I hope that it made you smile at least a little. I've always hated to see you unhappy. I still do. That's why you might find a lot of tears stains and smudged writing throughout this. Because in reality, it wasn't an easy decision, but it's a decision I made because I thought it would only be fair to you. To have some sort of closure I hope this brings to you.

From the beginning, then. At first, we both were lost. I remember. We met on that old fire escape. You had lost everything to someone who you didn't even know. They had burned everything away after they were through with your family. And for what? For the chance to be famous? For a measly $50? For a stupid dare? If only they knew... If only they saw the pain reflecting in your eyes like I saw. I'm glad I caught you before you fell. To this day, I still wonder if you were an angel in disguise. You were my greatest blessing after all.

Over the next few months, we learned to trust each other. You came to live with me in my flat. Shed, really. It was scarcely bigger than a laundry room. It was just an abandoned place for storage. I remember how you would curl up in the corner because you thought I was trying to keep you as a slave of some sort. I was so happy when you finally trusted me enough to actually sleep in that bed with me and not on the floor. I was overjoyed when you started eating. Looking back now, it wasn't really much to eat to begin with. Canned beans, peas, corn, bread if it was an especially lucky day, and then we'd steal food whenever we could. But it was never enough. We drank rainwater. Hell, we bathed in the rain. The snow was always harsh, but we survived. We survived for years afterward.

Then there was that one month when it felt like everything was falling down around us. The cops had been called to investigate the storage shed. We lost our only shelter and had to run for our lives. I still have nightmares about the vicious dogs sent after us. I thought I was gonna lose you. We kept running and eventually had to leave the state. With no money, nothing to sell, nowhere to sleep, and not even a scrap of food I thought it was the end. Finally, after traveling for weeks, we found another abandoned place to stay. Thankfully, it was near a town.

That first night that we really _slept_ together was different. I still don't know how it had happened, but I'm glad it did. After that night, even if something went completely wrong, I could always count on you to lift my spirits. Your touches always worked magic on me and my moodiness. I still laugh every time I think about the things I acted childish about. Still, living was no where near easy. It was weird in our new place. Snowed a lot, and the summers were filled with storms and heat. Rain, wind, hail, even a few tornadoes every summer. I was scared out of my wits when they touched-down near us. It was nothing like the city.

I remember clear as day when we lost our home for a second time. I really thought everything was becoming better, but I was wrong. I woke up feeling like something was very, very wrong. You were already sitting bolt upright in bed, staring out the shabby, windowless window with wide, wide eyes. One minute everything was dead, and the next it was like hell on Earth. It was only a minute but it felt like an eternity when it touched-down. When I regained consciousness, I thought you were dead. I couldn't find you anywhere and it tore at me like an agitated lion in a cage. For three weeks, I tried – and failed – to find you. I stayed in an old, closed down bar. That's when the drinking started.

I was scared and furious with myself, and the alcohol only made it worse. I remember how I would go into fits of pure rage. I cursed everything in and out of sight. I swore so much my jaw hurt. I overturned tables and broke chairs. For almost a month the rage went on. I was so scared of not only losing you, but of myself. I drank and drank and drank to get away from reality. I cried more than I ever cried. I wished everything would get better. But alas, it didn't. The vision of a better life was just a lie at that time. So was the vision of finding you. I thought I was going to die. No food, no water, just an endless double-standard of reality and nightmares.

Every since then, I've been drinking, Roxas. And you know what? Today, I thought I saw you. Only... that person was with someone else. I know you would never do that to me, Roxas... but... the funny thing was was that he looked like me. Only his hair was shorter in some places, longer in others. He had a ponytail. Tattoos under his eyes. Roxas... that blond boy... he looked so much like you. Just as stunning. I'm sorry I'm crying, it was just so weird. I've also been feeling weird. Pain in my side and it won't go away. I get headaches often. Too often it seems. I can't think straight, so I drink. It's hard without you, Roxas.

I remember how we laughed and cried. How we held each other. I miss those times a lot. I just wish we had more good times than bad. It's killing me. Slowly... ever so slowly...

The other day, I went back to that old storage house. I walked all the way here, can you believe that? I still don't have a home. I haven't even tried to get a job or anything. I'm still looking for you. And what hurts the most, still, is knowing that you could have been here... and I had never even thought of it. But I did when I came back. And now I'm kicking myself in the ass for it. The weird thing is, Roxas, is that I have a feeling that that blond boy – man – _was_ you. I hope he's being good to you, whoever he is that was walking next to you. Your too good for me, I realize that now...

…

Roxas. If you're still looking for me, don't anymore. Stop. Go back home. By now, I'm sure you would have heard.

_Now_ is the time to say sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't look harder for you. I'm sorry that our lives were hard. I'm sorry for doing this. But I don't want you to look for me anymore. I want you to live and be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. You wouldn't recognize me if you were to find me, anyway. I've been hollowed out by loneliness. And before you jump to conclusions, no, it's not your fault. It never was. You've saved me plenty of times. But this time...

Just wasn't meant to be one of those times.

I want you to live, Roxas. And be happy. Have all the things I never could give to you. Let yourself be loved. But don't forget me.

Don't forget our memories.

Don't forget...

will _always_ love you.

Forever yours,

Axel


	2. Re:Letter to You

Dear Axel,

I want to hate you. But I know I could never, ever, hate you. Not even if my life depended on it. But maybe if I could bring myself to hate you, then I wouldn't be writing this.

Three years ago, I fell apart. They found your body in that storage house. You had drunk yourself to death. I read your letter. And I did feel some sort of closure... but I know now that it's the wrong kind of closure.

I want you to know that since the day I lost you, all those years ago when the tornado hit, I've never stopped looking for you. Even now, I still hope that this is all a cruel dream that I will soon wake up from. I don't even dream anymore. Not even nightmares. I miss you.

You saved me, that day when I threatened to kill myself. The rusty fire escape. You caught me and right there in front of the entire world, you kissed me. I was wrong to think you would hurt me those first few months. I still haven't gotten over the deaths of my family, but I've learned to cope with _that_ pain. It's the pain of knowing that your absent in this world that I haven't gotten over. I don't think I ever will.

Times were exceptionally hard, yes. That was too true. They still are, though. The nights still feel as cold as they did during the snow storms. Even more so because you aren't here. Sure I have a one bedroom home now, but money is still tight. Forget hot water; I can barely keep the electricity on sometimes. I'm not afraid to bathe in the cold – I used to; we used to – I'm afraid of the dark, Axel. I have been ever since I lost you. At least when we were living on the streets, stealing food just to get by, I had you. You made all my fears disappear.

I still have all my old, raggedy clothes that I wore back then. There's not many. But they were enough then. We kept each other warm and safe. We were all we needed.

When the dogs were chasing us that night that we got chased out of our first home – now your tomb – I too was afraid of losing you. When one of them had jumped on me, I thought it was the end. But you managed to get it off me, and carry me to safety. At least I only had a few scratched and bruises. You were my hero, Axel. My own personal Superman.

You failed to remind me how we were hated everywhere we went. Everyone looked down on us as if we were some sort of scum. Abominations. They didn't say it – not most of them, anyway – but I could hear them thinking, '_You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere. You shouldn't even be allowed to live._' Even when we found a new place. They were just like everyone else. They kept reminding us. Stepping on us. And you still challenged anyone who tried to touch me. It always made me feel like I was someone. I miss you. I miss you, and your touches, and your kisses, and the way you would tease me. I miss you so bad.

The week after I lost you, I found something. Someone. A... well... not even a friend. They gave me something to drink... and... it wasn't just a drink. It had something called LSD in it. Drugs. You always warned me to stay away from them. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

I became addicted, Axel. I've tried again and again throughout the years to get over the addiction, but it always comes back. I cry myself to sleep a lot because I'm ashamed of it. So I asked for help.

You probably did see me, Axel. But that guy I was with... he wasn't my boyfriend. Not even a lover. He was someone to help me get over my addiction and find you. His name is Reno. He's an investigator. I asked for his help when I was thrown in jail. Yeah, I was thrown in jail because of those drugs. I'm sorry for it. But he helped me get on my feet. He helped me look for you. Until...

That day.

...Axel...

I never will give up trying to find you. I'll never be home unless I'm with you. I'm homeless when we're apart. I didn't mind being homeless when I was with you.

I had a dream last night, Axel. I had a dream about you. I saw you. You kissed me and held me like you used to. I felt you, tasted you, smelt you. You haven't changed, and I'm glad. I'm also glad that you came to see me one last time. When I woke up, everything seemed brighter. I didn't feel so down. Was it what you said to me? '_Live Roxas. Live for me, live for us. I will always love you._' Or was it that I got to see you again, and say '_I'm sorry_'? You were so forgiving. I bet... you thought the same thing. When I told you that I forgave you, you glowed radiantly. And.. you cried. I cried. But they weren't tears of sorrow, I knew. They were tears of happiness. And then... you didn't push me... but you led me towards a path. A path with someone at the end. Was it Reno? I'm almost positive that it was. This warm feeling both in my chest and in the room assure me, as I sit here and write, that that was your intention. To lead me to someone who'll take care of me. You don't know him, but you know that he'll be good to me.

He'll never be you, Axel. Reno might look similar, but he'll never replace your place in my heart. Sure, he's faced hardships as well. But not the hardships you and I have. The bond we have will never be broken. Don't ever be sorry for the life we've lived. Despite living on the streets, I was happy. I felt safe.

I know, that no matter how much pain I've gone through, how much I might go through, you want me to live. It would hurt you if I didn't. For now, I will live. If you want Reno and I to be with each other, then we will. One day, Axel, we'll be reunited. I have no doubt about that. And I'm eagerly awaiting that day. But when we do see each other again, we'll have someone else to love also. We'll have a makeshift family. Just like you and I did.

We'll be happy.

Together.

Axel, if you're reading this, and I hope you are, I still love you. I'll always love you, just like you love me. I'll live. Just like you asked of me. But I won't live for just myself. I'll live for you. I'll live for Reno. I'll live for the promise that one day, we'll all be together in a world where nothing will hurt us. I'll still visit your grave whenever I can. And bring you things every now and again.

I can't believe we've come this far. We've forged something out of nothing. I've glad for it. I'm glad I met you. I'm glad that you saved me. I love you.

Forever.

Love,

Roxas


	3. RE:Re:Letter to You

**_September 3rd_**

**_{CASE #927592-18573}_**

**_Journal Entry 72 – RE:Re:Letter to You_**

It's been two years since I placed Roxas's letter on Axel's headstone. And almost two years since I've written a journal entry. Roxas and I were a little teary when we were at the cemetery, but he kept telling me it's for the best. We've been dating, him and I. When we first met, he told me he was looking for a lost love. He was a wreck. Bloodshot eyes, messy, tangled hair, worn-out clothes; the works. Messed up by drugs. I picked him up and helped him. He wouldn't let me take care of him farther than helping him over his addiction and getting him a job / home. He never let go of Axel. Not even after the news five years ago. Not even after reading Axel's letter over and over, countless times. Only after that night did Roxas finally let go. The night after I woke up feeling strange. Had I really seen Axel? Roxas had phoned me with the news of his dream. After we delivered the letter to Axel, Roxas told me he felt closure. The good kind. The kind he should feel. After everything he – and Axel – had gone through years ago, he was happy to find his place in the world. He was happy that Axel had found his place, too. His place was living through Roxas.

We're happy. Not just Roxas and I, but Axel as well. It's far off, but I'm looking forward to the day that I get to meet Axel. Not just through a dream, but in "person".

There are times when it's still hard. Both financially and emotionally. We make do with what we have. It's enough. Every now and again, when things get to their worst, Axel helps out. Roxas tells me that when things are that bad, he dreams of him. Sometimes I do, too. Nothing threatening. Just to see how we're doing. I'm glad for it. He reassures me that I'm doing the right thing. Going in the right direction.

I hope things stay the way they are. It's comfortable. Roxas and I thought about getting married someday... Someday. But not today. Today, we'll just live. Live with our comfortable life the way it is.

I guess it's time for me to end this entry. It's almost 7 pm. I need to get ready. Roxas and I are going out.

It's the anniversary of many things, after all.

Endings, beginnings, deaths, new lives. It all – strangely – ties together on the same day; the third of September.

-Reno

**_END_**


End file.
